I'm less confused.

This is good.

Let's keep this going.

Time management, let's become lovers.

My wisdom tooth is growing. It's coming out. You're so brave for coming out and causing me pain.
Hello there. You're a brave little tooth, aren't you? Congratulations for coming out.

I really need to get my passport. If I don't, I might as well say good bye to my Japan Plan.

I love my Broadcasting and Development class. Too many realizations in one sitting. I think I've heard my calling.

Writing in separate phrases is fun.

I think I'm no longer confused by the curly query. I must now focus on more important matters.

1st coverage for my BroadJourn class on Tuesday. Oh, the frisson. Let's do this. I love this class by the way. Great prof, great class.

This will be a busy weekend. Cheers to jovial learning!

 Justice, politics, and hindrances. No more messy rigmaroles, please.

Cheers!

Biyernes, bakit di natin subukan?

I wrote this today. 

Someone once told me (Well, the entire class, not just me. But, you see, this is my favorite class...so...) to try and write in the language that we use in our dreams (or something close to this). 

"...ang wika sa iyong mga panaginip."

I'm quite fond of writing. And most of my stories/poems are in english. But I also write in Filipino. Iba rin talaga pag Filipino ang gamit na wika. Nagsimula ang pagsusulat na ito sa "Lagusan" na balak rin naming gawan ng isang maikling pelikula. Sana matupad na ang short film project na ito na nagsimula pa noong 2009, habang naghihintay ng susunod na palabas sa eiga sai 09. Nagmamasid lang kami, tumitingin sa mga paa. Tapos naisipang gumawa ng pelikula, pero never naman nangyari.

Masarap magkaroon ng ganitong klase ng mga kaibigan : )

****

Biyernes, bakit di natin subukan?

"Chicharon, teng?" tanong ng estranghero.

Teng? Bakit teng? tanong ko sa sarili. Ikaw palang tumatawag sa akin ng "teng." Medyo natawa ako. Hindi kasi ikaw ang inaasahan kong tatawag sa akin niyan. At least, hindi "thing" o "thong." Mabuti na rin siguro ang "teng."

Hindi man ako bumili ng iyong chicharon, hangad ko ang ikakaunlad mo. Niyo.

"Buko pie? Buko pie?" tanong ng pangalawang estranghero.

Marami pang sumunod:

"Tubig, C2?" "Candy, Bulgar, itlog pugo?" "Grapes, te." "Apple, mapula." "Orange, matamis." "Kasuy?" "Mani, mainit."

Tila mga makata na naging kirida ang kapitalista. O parang mga artista na sa bus ay rumarampa.

Halos walang bumili sa kanilang mga paninda. Nakatingin ang karamihan sa lumulutang na telebisyon, ang iba nama'y tulog o kaya'y nagpapanggap na tulog, at ang ilan ay abala sa kanya-kanyang mundo.

Walang benta. Paano na kaya sila?

Naalala ko tuloy si Celso at si Cora, nasaan na kaya sila? Pati na rin ang mga anak nilang si Totoy at Maricel. Sigarilyo pa rin ba ang puhunan o may bago nang takbuhan? Celso at Cora, kamusta na kayo? Eh si Gary, kinakamusta kaya kayo? Halos tatlong dekada na rin ang lumipas simula nang buhay niyo'y ipinakita di lamang sa Pinas, ngunit maging sa ibang bansa.

Bago ako sumakay ng bus, napadpad muna ako sa isang 4-peso comfort room. O kung anuman ang dapat itawag dito.

Andun yung babae, tahimik na nakaupo, nagbabantay sa banyo sa likod. Sa kaliwa niyang kamay ay isang pink na pamaypay, tila sumasayaw. Parang flaminggong naliligaw sa mausok na gubat ng di maintindihang lungsod. 

Tumitig ako sa kanyang mga mata, pero mata ni ate'y tila mailap. Inabot ko ang apat na piso, lahat nakaharap ang malalamig na titig ng bayaning si Jose. Inabot naman ni ate ang makinis at manipis na pink na papel, ang tiket, na mamaya'y aking malulukot at maiwawala.

Orange ang dingding ng banyong ito. Malinis, maaliwalas. Mas mura nang anim na piso kumpara sa Gateway, pero mas mahal sa libre at paboritong banyo sa aming kolehiyo.

Buti na lang at ako'y nakapagsipilyo kani-kanina lamang sa aming kolehiyo. Dahil ang sumalubong sa akin ay isang babaeng masusing sinusuri ang kanyang katawan. Left arm up, right arm up. Titig, himas, titig. Masusi niyang pinag-aralan ang kaliwa't kanan. Tumayo ako sa tabi niya, tumingin ako sa malaking salamin habang tinatali ang aking kulot na buhok. Ngunit ang aking peripheral vision ay sadyang makulit, ang aking atensyon ay nababaling pa rin.

Sa kaliwa ko naman ay isang ale na sa pulbos ay nawiwili. Pulbos dito, pulbos doon. Parang niyebe sa mainit na tanghali. Hindi nga ba masarap ang pakiramdam pag pulbos ay dumapo sa ating balat. Tila makinis at presko ang pakiramdam. Parang telang mabilis na dumaplis sa ating katawan. Isang panandaliang saklolo sa nagiinit na katawan.

Kulay krema ang mga cubicle sa banyong ito. Malinis. Mahusay ang paglilinis dito. May basurahan at may sabitan pa ng bag. Mahusay nga naman. Habang nakakulong sa kulay kremang cubicle, ako'y napaisip sa problemang kagabi'y sa aki'y dumating. Ilang minuto pa ang aking nilaan para sa pag-iisip tungkol sa simpleng problema, pero pagkatapos noon, ako ay lumabas na.

Bago pa man ako makarating sa banyong ito, ako muna'y napalibutan ng malungkot na kulay ng LRT.

Iba rin ang pakiramdam tuwing sumasakay ng LRT. Masayang malungkot magbiyahe nang mag-isa. Masarap pagmasdan ang mga taong naghihintay, masarap abangan ang paparating na tren, at damahin ang hangin sa kanyang pagdating. May ibang saya rin ang dala sa paglalambitin sa loob ng tren. 

Bago sumakay ng LRT, ako'y nanggaling sa aming kolehiyo. Natuwa at napangiti sa Christmas tree na sa amin ay bumati.

Nasa lobby ang Christmas tree na ito. Lobby. Ito ang pangalawang paborito kong lugar sa kolehiyo. Masarap tumambay dito, may libreng saksakan at sagap ng internet. Magandang lugar para umupo at gumawa ng mga dapat gawin gaya ng papers, readings, o editing, o kung anuman. Masarap ring makipagkuwentuhan. At siyempre, masarap pagmasdan ang mga taong napapadaan.

Lakaran sa langit. Ito ang paborito.

Dapat magkakaroon ng bagong pangulo ngayong araw na ito. Pero kita mo nga naman ang panahon, mapagbiro talaga. Bigla na lang natanggal ang kinatawan ng mga mag-aaral. Ipagpaliban na lamang sa ibang araw.

Kasabay pa nito ang iba pang masamang balita na nagbabanta.

Kasabay pa nito ang di siguradong katuparan ng nag-iisang makinang na pangarap.

Time machine talaga ang perpektong pantasya.

Marami ring nagaganap sa paboritong hagdanan, na siyang nagsisilbing koneksyon sa pagitan ng dalawang paboritong lugar sa kolehiyo. Sa hagdanang ito, tila slow-mo ang mga pangyayari. Slow-mo at detalyado. Medyo hindi planado.

Kanina sa bus, tatlong pasahero lamang ang natira. Medyo dumidilim na. Bigla ko namang naalala itong isang eksena sa isang pelikula. At bigla namang sumakit ang aking bagong tumutubong wisdom tooth.

Lumubog na ang araw, pero ang mga tindero at tindera'y buhat-buhat pa rin ang di nabawasang paninda. Naglalakad sa dilim, nag-aabang ng masasakyan pauwi.

***

Lagusan.

Lagusan sa Vienna, hinahanap ni Maria. 

Nasaan, naroon? Tanong ng dalaga.

Keso't alak, matitikman ba? 

Lagusan sa Vienna, nais niyang makita.

Tatay ni Maria ay isang mamamahayag,

malayang nagsusulat, malayang nagmumulat. 

Ngunit isang umaga, sa malubak na kalsada

buhay niya'y kinuha, binaril, at binura.

 Isang taon matapos maulila sa ama,

itim na damo'y patuloy na gumapang,

patuloy na umusbong 

sa lupaing nilamon 

ng sandata't barya.

Isang taon matapos maulila sa ama,

nanay ni Maria ay tila nawala.

Walang bakas, walang marka

kung saan siya nagpunta.

Hiling ni Maria na siya ay makita,

sa Maynila, sa Laguna, o di kaya

sa Vienna.

Ang pangarap ni Maria na makapuntang Europa

ay buhay na buhay

sa kabila ng pagkaulila.

"Bakit sa Vienna?" tanong ng binata

na pilit niyayakap ang dalaga.

"Sa Vienna, ako'y magiging malaya,

ako'y magtatrabaho, ako'y kikita." 

sabi ni Maria matapos umilag sa 

yakap ng mapilit na binata.  

"Ako, sa Tsina ko nais pumunta." 

bulong ng binata sa tenga ni Maria.

"Great Wall of China, yan ang gusto

kong makita." sabay hugot ng singkwenta

sa kanang bulsa.

Mabilis na kinuha, lukot na singkwenta,

napakunot pa ang noo ni Maria.

"Bakit singkwenta? Hindi ba isang daan?"

sigaw ni Maria.

Inayos ng binata ang lukot na polo,

sabay hugot sa sinturon,

sabay hagis ng benteng bulok.

Kasing haba ng pader sa Tsina, 

ang gabing ito para kay Maria.

Ang binata ay isa lamang

sa mga taong kanyang dapat pakisamahan,

may alkohol man o wala,

pakikisama ay kailangan.

Pinulot ni Maria ang karagdagang bente,

"Mabuti nang kulang, kesa wala." 

bulong ni Maria sa kanyang sarili.

Habang si Maria ay nagpapalamig

matapos mabilad sa init ng gabi,

ang kapatid niyang bunso ay nagpapahangin,

kasama ang kabarkada't patalim.

Singhot, kalabit, tutok, takbo.

Tila isang ritwal na nakabisa ni bunso.

"Pare, isang araw ako'y magmamaneho,

Mercedes Benz, pare, yung kulay ginto!"

Halakhak, tulak, tadyak, dura.

"Ambisyoso ka kaibigan, heto sampung 

piso, ibigay mo sa ate mo, sana'y dalawin niya
naman ako."

Nagpaalam na si bunso, hindi sa mundo, 

kundi sa mga kaibigan.

Tulak-tulak ang karitong may laman

na sako't tsinelas, lata at barya.

"Ate, tignan mo itong nakita ko."

sabi ni bunso pagkauwi sa kanila.

"Isang pares ng pulang tsinelas,parang

pang-prinsesa. Isukat mo na."

Nagtaka si Maria, mala-Cinderella

ang pasalubong ni bunso, di siya makapaniwala.

"Nakita ko yan, sa may palayan. May tatlong sundalo,

hinubaran ang dawalang dalaga. Kaya matapos nilang umalis,

aking kinuha itong naiwang tsinelas ng umiiyak na dalaga." 

Dalawang dalaga'y matagal nang nawawala,

sila'y di makita, di mahagilap,

tila mga pangarap na maagang nawasak. 

Ang mga inakusahan, patuloy na tumatanggi,

parang aso kung makangiti.

"Aba, dapat mo iyang isumbong sa pulis, bunso!"

Sigaw ni Maria, pero kanyang mga mata'y nakatitig 

na sa magandang tsinelas na ngayo'y 

nasa ilalim na ng kanyang mga paa.

"Ate, wag na. Baka ako'y masaktan lamang,

gaya ni Kuya."

Kuya nila Maria at Bunso ay matagal nang patay.

Nauna pa sa kanilang ama, 

nauna pang mataya

sa maruming laro

ng mga nakaupo.

Bagong daan patungo sa pagbabago,
iyan ang pangakong narinig ni Maria,
ilang buwan lang ang nakalipas,
mula sa malaking bunganga ng
makinang na midya.

Maunlad na raw ang bayan ni Maria,
mataas na kung lumipad
ang mga pekeng ibon, mas mataas pa
sa lipad ng mga saranggola.

Naglalakihang gusali, nanatiling nakatirik
gaya ng mga paubos na kandila
sa lugar ng kamatayan
ng ama ni Maria.

Balang araw, magiging inhinyero raw si Bunso.
Yan ang sabi ng nanay ni Maria, bago
siya lumisan sa naninigas na bayan.
Ngayon, si bunso kumpleto sa kagamitan,
patalim, martilyo, at plais.
Baon niya sa gabihang pagdalaw
sa mga mataong gusali.

"Masarap kaya sa Vienna?" tanong ni Maria,
habang nakatitig sa kanyang mga paa.
Nakahiga sa kama ng di niya kakilala,
nagbibilang kung ilan pang minuto
ang natitira,
kung magkano ang dapat singilin,
para makabili ng pagkain para kay bunso,
para makaipon ng perang itatago
sa ilalim ng unan
para sa Vienna'y siya'y makarating.

Balang araw, lagusan sa Vienna, makikita rin ni Maria.
Pero sa ngayon, ibang lagusan ang kanyang tinatahak,
marumi, masikip, at madaya.
Lagusan na tinatahak ngayon ni Maria.

***

(Took these pictures last sembreak. Wrote this story today.)

Why are people happy?

One in the afternoon on a dry Monday, a striped green pair of shorts against a black swivel chair, and an almost decrepit PC monitor blankly staring at a chocolate-stained white shirt. 

Cheers! 

Someone left M&M's in our refrigerator, hence the chocolate stains. I don't normally eat this way.

How are you? How's life treating you? How are you responding to life? Here's a smile to cheer you up : )

My 1st week at school was unexpectedly wonderful. I pointed out "unexpectedly" because I can still clearly remember how my 1st week last semester went -- I was a sad/busy bee. But this sem, my 1st week was actually fun. 

I am still swathing myself with a  much needed heap of enthusiasm, optimism, and assiduity (which I will be needing to make this sem a happy one).

This week is probably my final happy week I will truly enjoy:

Ethnographic Videography - This class jump-starts my week.I am really looking forward to learning a lot from this class. The final project seems really challenging -- Producing an Ethnographic Video Project. But the ideas are already swimming around my convoluted clouds of thinking space. It's taught by one of my favorite professors (He's so intelligent. He's so intelligent. He's so intelligent. There.). Unlike in some classes, I'm actually looking forward to studying the reading assignments. hihi.

Introduction to Creative Writing - Hello there, CW, my first love. Hoho. I love you. The course will be focusing on three areas: Fiction, Poetry, and Comic Book Writing. For the first part of the class, we'll be focusing on Comic Book Writing -- this is something new for me. I haven't tried this before. This will be exciting! Aaaah (to add more effect to my excitement, I needed the aaaah in there). And of course, I'm looking forward to writing fiction again! Yey. I also want to read other people's work. I hope that the class workshops wouldn't break my writing spirit. *nervous laugh starts here*

Media and Society - So far, so good. That is all. The topics are very interesting. At least on paper, they seem interesting.

Japanese 11 - The class ends at 7 PM. (5:30-7:00pm). It's my first time to have a class that ends this late. This class wouldn't even be credited because we're only required to take two foreign language electives. This is my 3rd foreign lang. elec. But I will still enjoy this class because I really want to learn more. And Ate Belle from OVCAA-OEC (about the Japan scholarship I applied for) suggested that I take this class just in case February gives birth to good news. hihi. I really hope that I make it! Please oh please oh please! 

Broadcasting and Development - This class speaks to me. hoho. It really does. I think that I will really learn a lot from this class. What are the real notions of development anyway? I'm expecting another recondite batch of reading assignments. And yet, I'm actually feeling a bit excited. But the trepidation is still there, it's always there. Some of my closest friends and orgmates are also in my class : )

I've been having "pensive realizations" lately. I have already expressed my negative opinions/feelings about the mainstream media through heated conversations with friends. And lately, I've been considering this "other career path." What is this "other career path"? I can't really dwell on it deeper here, I'll talk about it next time. I was primarily inspired by one of my favorite professors. You don't have to be in the mainstream media to give your contributions to society.

LGBT Psychology- This is an accidental class (for lack of a better term). My original plan for the sem was to take a Sociology class, but because of schedule conflicts, I decided to take a Psychology elective. So I was reading the list of available Psychology courses and I saw this one. And I decided to take it for the following reasons: a. It's something I haven't thoroughly studied before, b. It is an interesting topic and I could really apply this to the media, c. The media's manner of presentation of LGBT issues (if any) are still quite problematic. In depth explorations of these issues are still not visible. The media still employs stereotypes and boxed-in perspectives. And I want to change that (or at least, try), d. This is something new for me, I haven't been really exposed to this kind of academic exploration, e. Most people, myself included, are still left unaware of some LGBT-related issues. And I'd like to help in informing people about them.

The professor seemed really smart (and funny!). This will be an interesting class.

I also read a very interesting book (it's one of the assigned readings, but I decided to download an e-book and do some advanced reading because it seems really interesting). "Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire." (Lisa Diamond, 2008) Her research is very interesting. Though I still have many queries about this perspective.

TV News Production (Broadcast Journalism 120) - And this is the highlight of my semester. The class I fear the most, the class I'm most nervous about, but also the class I'm greatly looking forward to. The professor is GREAT! I like her already. This will be a very challenging class, and I hope I can still make it despite my 7pm class and my 21-units worth of subjects.

During class introduction, I managed to share with everyone my "story." I never told anyone about this except for one very close college friend. I told them about my "internal struggle" with my course/life plans -- that I'm not yet really sure if this is the right track for me. But this sem, I hope that I can finally answer my questions. My first and real passion is writing. Not news writing, but creative writing. More on fiction, or features/essays/poetry/stories. That kind of writing. But at the same time, I also want to make documentaries and in depth explorations of relevant issues (especially those which are labeled taboo). The professor's words really inspired me. I will do my best in this class (and all of my classes this sem)! This is the zenith of all zeniths. Last three semesters in college. Wow. But please, I'm still expecting good results for my Japan Application! I am willing to be delayed for one whole year if it would mean that I can be an exchange student in Ritsumeikan! Please! hihi. (Ok, that "hihi" at the end of that long sentence seemed eerie.)

And then, there's my thoughts about the mainstream media. And this shall extend to a rambunctious debate. But I shall end it here. Hoho.

S O C I A L   L I F E

Yes, apparently, I do have a social life. Yey!

I love my organization. I really like the people, the interests/ideas we share, the quips and witty comebacks. I love them all. We went jogging last Friday night. It was my first time to have an evening jog on campus. It was exhilarating. The cool wind, the adrenaline rush, the energy, jogging with friends. It was great.

The next day, my body swam in ineffable languor. I was in pain. Hoho. I need to exercise more. 

Then last Saturday, we had our organization's sem-starter and org. dinner. IT WAS FUN. Enough said. : ) 

Yes, that is a small soccer ball. And a bunch of happy people.

Sunken Garden

We held hands under the sun. Haha.

Dinner!

I also spent time with my close friends from BC. I really missed one of my closest friends, we practically didn't see each other last sem. We caught up with our stories. I also had a very interesting conversation with her about our life/career plans. Oh, life. Then I also talked with my other close friend who is experiencing something I haven't yet - and that is, love. hoho. I really hope that he'll be fine. But as for me, this concept shall remain as a flimsy phantasm no person alive today will deal with as of this time. A student shall study and have academic explorations, that is all. 

G E E K Y   M A T T E R S

Here are the books I read/re-read last sembreak:

- The Virgin Suicides (Jeffrey Eugenides, 1993)

- Holidays on Ice (David Sedaris, 1997)

- Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov, 1955)

- Asleep (Banana Yoshimoto, 1989)

- Home School (Charles Webb, 2007)

And now, I'm reading "Bee Season" (Myla Goldberg, 2000). I remember watching the film adaptation a few years ago. I didn't know that it was based on a novel. I get this incredible euphoria whenever I find a good book in BOOKSALE. Because we know how difficult it is to look for a book amidst the mountains of books in a small store that is BOOKSALE. I hope I can find a copy of Tom Peralta's "Election."

As for the movie-buff alter ego, I've watched some interesting films last sembreak:

- My Summer of Love (could this be a foreshadowing of my Psych class? haha)

- Three Colors Trilogy (Red, White, Blue)

- Before Sunset and Before Sunrise (a very interesting way of telling a story)

- The Secret (huh, I didn't finish watching it.)

- And yes, I've watched "The Social Network"

- and others (films in my laptop). I'll try to make movie reviews in my tumblr account next time.

I also finally finished watching all episodes of the anime "Kimi ni Todoke." Sadly, I wasn't able to watch the remaining episodes of K-On Season 2. I'll wait for the dvd.

 I finally have my own copy of Corinne Bailey Rae's new album! I still like the songs from her 1st album better. But I'm happy that she's back! : )

I also received my final paper in BC 181 (Criticism of Broadcast Text). I am happy with it. I still need to work on the technical aspect of writing research papers. But I'm really surprised with my professor's comments. I actually enjoyed writing this paper more than the other one (180 hoho). This paper had more freedom in its exploration and assertions.

***

Limerence. I recently read about the concept of limerence (last sembreak). And I find it to be quite "accurate?" Hihihi. Perhaps I have experienced a very light/partly-baffled version of limerence last sem. But the light has turned leaden, I am free. Hoho. Please look it up, it's a very interesting concept.

*** 

I composed two new organ pieces last sembreak (I now have 11 compositions). And I made my 1st guitar improvisation as well. I miss playing the guitar. Somebody teach me. Again. I still have those phantasms wherein I'm a guitarist. Oh yes. Lezgo daydreaming. 

***

I watched a documentary last night about an unresolved politics-driven massacre. How long shall we wait for justice to finally happen? Sometimes, I really cannot understand why such things happen and why we let these things continue. Truculent bruisers continue to freely gambol on earth, free from worries of consequence. There's a real problem here. A problem that goes beyond politics, pride, and morality.

***

Ok. It feels great to write. I shall go now and read. Bye! : )

Why are people happy? : )

Is happiness a result of a particular setting/context/activity?
Is happiness born from the total absence of reasons to be unhappy?

What/Who/___ makes you happy?

Cheers!

This is a happy face : )

I might take 21 units this sem.

I might finally fix my convoluted sleeping pattern.

I might cross out some goals in my endless rows of goals.

I might receive good news three months from now and it could change my life. Or not. But I'm staying optimistic.

Cheers.

I wish I had an older sister.

I sat there for a full twenty minutes, just watching and listening to the sea.