It's too dark in the kitchen, how can I get my coffee?

I didn't go home this weekend. I usually go home every weekend. This feels quasi-strange.

Apparently, the landlady wants a very dark kitchen. I can't get my coffee from the fridge, it's too dark. I don't want to walk into a dark kitchen; this looks like a scene from some cheesy 80s slasher film. I digress. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Here's a nervous hihi just to make things happy again: hihi hihi.

The light switch is far from the door (it's on the other side of the kitchen). Yes, we have a dilemma here. Oh.

But my mom said that I should stop drinking coffee.

Mom wins.

Bye. I'm still doing my 160 paper. This is fun. Seriously, it is.

My eyebags are very happy. Here are some of the things that will make them even more excited/fat:
* BroadJourn Midterms - please, please, please let me survive this.
* 160 & 197 - enough said.
* self-realizations c/o certain elective
* conceptualization for my short story : )
* I shall make an announcement this February. Yes. Throw in the S; there might be more than one. God is good.

Cheers! : )

I have to wake up earlier. I really have to.

I attended this year's UP Job Fair, in search of a good internship.

I submitted my resume to:
* TV 5
* ABS-CBN

I know that I have I said a lot of things about the mainstream "glossy" media, but let's try to do something about this. I'll write more about these plans.

I'm still planning on applying for:
* Probe
* an NGO (dealing with media and social work)
* GMA

Most of the companies in the job fair were looking for business/engineering students. I can feel it already. This calls for an ice cream break. Cheers.

Someone sent me an e-mail today

and it made me very happy.

God is good.

Just one more round. Let's make this happen. Help me God.

Cheers!

Tonight

I spent around two hours making my "internship plan."

Cheers.

Life.

Typing impetuously after two cups of coffee.

Today is a relatively good day. Compared to other days, this one is actually quite good.

This afternoon, I studied for my Japanese exam (2^nd exam on Tuesday). This was the happiest two hours of my Saturday.

I won't talk about my undying anticipation for the scholarship results; I am tired of feeding myself with unnecessary doses of anxiety. I'll leave it all to God. I know that He has plans for me. I'll wait for February patiently, very patiently.

I also studied for my exam in 140. If this were 160, it would have been less tedious. Oh well. In between studying and stints of coffee breaks, snacks, and internet breaks, I was able to ponder upon my current slice of anxious pie -- plans for INTERNSHIP.

I have developed mixed feelings about this soon-to-be-new-experience-which-will-move-me-one-step-closer-to-becoming-a-real-somebody-in-these-messy-webs-of-lives-and-tales-in-a-little-oblate-spheroid-we-call-earth.

Heavy sigh. I shall not have my 3rd cup of coffee. Not yet.

So far, my choices are:

* PROBE, ANC's Storyline, an NGO which deals with social work as well as media work. (I still have to consult my favorite professor about this one.)

This is not yet final. I still have to do some research.

This summer, it's either I face my Kyoto dreams or my internship dreams. Or maybe something else. I am floating on innumerable layers of frisson; technically, I’ve been floating on this foamy (and nervous) substance for years now, but this time, it’s extra foamy. Pardon my metaphors. I really hope that a meaningful summer awaits me.

And just a while ago, some quasi-disturbing thoughts merrily walked into my oh-so-busy-life. Here they are:

* What if I become a kindergarten teacher? 

- This idea surprised me. And I don't even get surprised that easily. I am a frozen stoic igloo. And this new life option melted my igloo. Oh, sweet bouncy jelly beans! This is a very interesting "life option." I shall dream about it later. Or not. Or maybe I will.

* What if I make that big swerve after college and immerse myself into a different field. Perhaps, Sociology? Graduate school right after graduation? But how will I support myself? I also need to work. But what kind of work? Conundrums, conundrums.

- Very interesting.

* What if I write children’s books?

- Yes, please. This little corner needs some exploration!

Hot steaming unicorns! I just realized something after typing the above sentences. This “writing for children” endeavor is quite close to the “what if I become a kindergarten teacher” query! Oh no! I don’t even like kids that much. Or do I? Writing has always been my healthy (and happy) drug, but is my drug suitable for children? I shall stop using drugs and children in one sentence. Metaphors intended.

This is a strange night. Strange.

* What if I invite some college friends to start a media project with me? We’ll make documentaries and short films and we’ll live the lives we’ve always wanted, devoured by our idyllic dreams of equality, freedom, creativity, and altruism! Cheers to roseate plates of optimism! We’ll get drunk on liters of undying dreams!

- Yup, this is a strange night indeed.

- If money did not exist, we’d be skipping on happy ropes. And if only idealistic phantasms fed not only the mind, but also the rest of the needy terrains of what it means to be human, we’d be skipping on happy ropes forever.

We can’t have all the happy ropes in the world. We can’t skip forever. Sometimes we trip, we fall. We find blisters on our knees, we lose our keys, we accidentally punch someone in the face, we cry. But sometimes, a good dose of optimism can still stop you from harassing that old dusty stress ball of yours whenever you lose your left slipper at two in the morning when you badly need to go to the bathroom, so you turn on the light, crawl under your bed in search of your missing slipper and by the time you find it, it’s already six in the morning. Well, that was a horrible way of wasting four hours. But hey, at least you found your slipper. And now you can go back to your life, with both slippers under your feet. Cheers!

WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I AM SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR. HELLO, DONALD DUCK! WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?  

* What if I just stop typing this blog entry and go back to my 140 lectures? Okay.

- Done.

Wait. In other news. I have finally resolved my confusion! It feels strange. What used to be an icon of euphoric fantasies is now nothing but an insipid image furtively hanging on the wall. Irrelevant. This matter has become irrelevant. Wow. The immersion therapy actually worked. Cheers!

Back to 140.

When my CW class met my Psych class.

A writing exercise I did for my creative writing class (fiction).
These two paragraphs were inspired by this photo I took last Thursday.

It happened every Thursday, from one  until four in the afternoon, on the second floor of a quasi-abandoned college building. This was one semester ago, but the heat of that October sun has not yet died, not even today. Inside our classroom, I wore a cardigan, while others wore hoodies or sweaters. We all froze as we listened to lifeless lectures. The artificial coldness inside our classroom was in contrast to the scorching October air beyond our classroom’s only connection to reality – a big green-framed window.  I often sat next to this window because it gave me a perfect view.

They were always near each other, but not too near. Just near enough to smell each other’s scent and feel each other’s breath. They have mastered the art of eye aversion; their eyes never met although each pair was always locked on each other’s faces. Their eyes were moving nervously, shifting from shoulder to cheek, nose to fingers, lips to curls. They took turns in glancing at each other; both pretending to be looking at something else when in fact, they are looking at each other. Her fingers caressed the edge of her seat as her feet traced the broken lines on the floor. She cannot keep it all to herself forever; her flesh won’t be scratching wood and tiles forever. She finally took her chance, acting brave and dull at the same time, she pushed her hand against her seatmate’s lap. At this point, both girls smiled, while I blushed from one seat behind.

Let's sing the ABC song for the month of January!

A-nxious apricots.
B-usy bee.
C-ranky crows.
D-ubious deeds.
E-xcited Egos
F-rantic flipflops
G-ooey games
H-ungry Hippopotamus
I-dyllic ink
J-aunty juggernauts
K-inky kids
L-onely lamps
M-uddy moods
N-erdy nights
O-bvious oops
P-rying pangs
Q-ueer queries
R-ambanctious reasons
S-ly shoestrings
T-widdled temptations
U-ncanny universe
V-iscious vacuums
W-hishful whims
X-erox
Y-awning youth
Z-any zebras

Cheers!
Daming nasayang na oras ngayong araw: late nagising, nagsulat-sulat, nag-reflect-reflect.
Back to work.

Now that I have resolved this bafflement, I feel listless towards other bafflements. Must find a solution for being unconfused.

Good afternoon, blog. Have you seen your pencils yet? Not yet? We'll keep searching.
For the meantime, let me tell you about my experiment.

You see, I have this bafflement. I've been pondering over this confusion for quite a long time. So just recently, I decided to conduct an experiment that would help me confirm or reject any observations I may have or may have not misconstrued. Pardon the vagueness.

Case #1:
I read a fiction novel that is closely related to my bemusement.
Results & Reaction: I was not completely comfortable with the notions brought to life in the book.
Possible Implication: I am not who I thought I was. (Oh yes, keep the cheese coming)

Case #2:
I read a nonfiction book about it. It was a well-conducted research regarding my subject of bemusement.
Results & Reaction: The possibility is always there, but as of now, it's not.
Possible Implication: Repeat possible implication #1.

Case #3:
I watched films that would, in some way, test the veracity of my hypotheses.
Results & Reaction: I was not completely comfortable (nor amused) with the nature of the notions brought to life in these films.
Possible Implication: It is safe to say that my previous hypotheses are all false.

Case #4:
I stepped out of my laboratory (geeky room) and conducted a social experiment in campus, which happened by chance (unplanned yet it yielded interesting results).
Results & Reaction: Expected reaction should have been - shock, frisson, elation. Real reaction: flat, indifferent, empty.
Possible Implication: We could conclude, for the meantime, that previous self-imposed theories were false. They were merely quick and misguided assumptions. Thus, you are free to walk away from this messy rigmarole. Live with a smile. You are freed from this experiment.

Cheers.

Welcome to the NHK

This series is too good.
The music is too good.
The character development is too good.
The story is too good.

Everything is too real.

This doesn't feel comfortable. No, it doesn't.

Internship.

This summer, if my plan fails, I shall do my internship.

News and Public Affairs, Social work and media work with an NGO, a fantasy where I can live my euphoric phantasms involving creative writing, experimental film making, teaching, and communicating in some abstruse yet whimsical manner.
- so far, these are my internship/life plans.

But I am still praying that my PLAN will succeed.

Pangarap sa buhay #1, magkikita rin tayo. Sana. : )

when you begin to ask yourself questions you cannot answer.

Today I watched the clouds move.

I watched my favorite cloud leave as new clouds came.

I leaned against my favorite window as I did last semester.

While voices swarmed around this familiar room and as my thoughts wandered, my eyes were fixed on the clouds. I can feel myself drifting further away from the present. I feel myself floating, moving aimlessly towards something relatively unknown.

Today I watched the clouds move. It was two in the afternoon and I watched the clouds move.

I have so many questions right now, it feels strange not to feel worried.

Today I watched the clouds move. This unruffled state lasted until this afternoon. Today I watched the clouds move.