Typing impetuously after two cups of coffee.

Today is a relatively good day. Compared to other days, this one is actually quite good.

This afternoon, I studied for my Japanese exam (2^nd exam on Tuesday). This was the happiest two hours of my Saturday.

I won't talk about my undying anticipation for the scholarship results; I am tired of feeding myself with unnecessary doses of anxiety. I'll leave it all to God. I know that He has plans for me. I'll wait for February patiently, very patiently.

I also studied for my exam in 140. If this were 160, it would have been less tedious. Oh well. In between studying and stints of coffee breaks, snacks, and internet breaks, I was able to ponder upon my current slice of anxious pie -- plans for INTERNSHIP.

I have developed mixed feelings about this soon-to-be-new-experience-which-will-move-me-one-step-closer-to-becoming-a-real-somebody-in-these-messy-webs-of-lives-and-tales-in-a-little-oblate-spheroid-we-call-earth.

Heavy sigh. I shall not have my 3rd cup of coffee. Not yet.

So far, my choices are:

* PROBE, ANC's Storyline, an NGO which deals with social work as well as media work. (I still have to consult my favorite professor about this one.)

This is not yet final. I still have to do some research.

This summer, it's either I face my Kyoto dreams or my internship dreams. Or maybe something else. I am floating on innumerable layers of frisson; technically, I’ve been floating on this foamy (and nervous) substance for years now, but this time, it’s extra foamy. Pardon my metaphors. I really hope that a meaningful summer awaits me.

And just a while ago, some quasi-disturbing thoughts merrily walked into my oh-so-busy-life. Here they are:

* What if I become a kindergarten teacher? 

- This idea surprised me. And I don't even get surprised that easily. I am a frozen stoic igloo. And this new life option melted my igloo. Oh, sweet bouncy jelly beans! This is a very interesting "life option." I shall dream about it later. Or not. Or maybe I will.

* What if I make that big swerve after college and immerse myself into a different field. Perhaps, Sociology? Graduate school right after graduation? But how will I support myself? I also need to work. But what kind of work? Conundrums, conundrums.

- Very interesting.

* What if I write children’s books?

- Yes, please. This little corner needs some exploration!

Hot steaming unicorns! I just realized something after typing the above sentences. This “writing for children” endeavor is quite close to the “what if I become a kindergarten teacher” query! Oh no! I don’t even like kids that much. Or do I? Writing has always been my healthy (and happy) drug, but is my drug suitable for children? I shall stop using drugs and children in one sentence. Metaphors intended.

This is a strange night. Strange.

* What if I invite some college friends to start a media project with me? We’ll make documentaries and short films and we’ll live the lives we’ve always wanted, devoured by our idyllic dreams of equality, freedom, creativity, and altruism! Cheers to roseate plates of optimism! We’ll get drunk on liters of undying dreams!

- Yup, this is a strange night indeed.

- If money did not exist, we’d be skipping on happy ropes. And if only idealistic phantasms fed not only the mind, but also the rest of the needy terrains of what it means to be human, we’d be skipping on happy ropes forever.

We can’t have all the happy ropes in the world. We can’t skip forever. Sometimes we trip, we fall. We find blisters on our knees, we lose our keys, we accidentally punch someone in the face, we cry. But sometimes, a good dose of optimism can still stop you from harassing that old dusty stress ball of yours whenever you lose your left slipper at two in the morning when you badly need to go to the bathroom, so you turn on the light, crawl under your bed in search of your missing slipper and by the time you find it, it’s already six in the morning. Well, that was a horrible way of wasting four hours. But hey, at least you found your slipper. And now you can go back to your life, with both slippers under your feet. Cheers!

WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I AM SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR. HELLO, DONALD DUCK! WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?  

* What if I just stop typing this blog entry and go back to my 140 lectures? Okay.

- Done.

Wait. In other news. I have finally resolved my confusion! It feels strange. What used to be an icon of euphoric fantasies is now nothing but an insipid image furtively hanging on the wall. Irrelevant. This matter has become irrelevant. Wow. The immersion therapy actually worked. Cheers!

Back to 140.