Nomination.

I received another e-mail today.

And I shall expect another one within the coming days.

I am both happy and nervous.

One final stretch before I face two possible realities.

I am hoping for the best. Cheers!

God is good.

February

This lack of sleep
for the whole month of February,
or for the whole stretch of 2011,
or for the whole state of my restless 18th,
or for this whole chain of yawns and stares and spoons and sheets
that is life,
has finally settled
in its
own
niche
in
my
own
dark pair
of
unhealthy
bags.

Quite relevant

 Today's poetry class is very interesting.

***

You Who Never Arrived 

by Rainer Maria Rilke

You who never arrived

in my arms, Beloved, who were lost

from the start,

I don't even know what songs

would please you. I have given up trying

to recognize you in the surging wave of the next

moment. All the immense

images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,

cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected

turns in the path,

and those powerful lands that were once

pulsing with the life of the gods-

all rise within me to mean

you, who forever elude me.You, Beloved, who are all

the gardens I have ever gazed at,

longing. An open window

in a country house--, and you almost

stepped out, pensive, to meet me.Streets that I chanced upon,--

you had just walked down them and vanished.

And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors

were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,

gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?

perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us

yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

Okay, this is difficult. But it shouldn't be. Cheers.

I have decided that for a moment, yes, it is true. I was.

But this will have to stop. This is not how I should live my life. This is not how I am supposed to be.

Starting today, more effort shall be given into trying to resolve this.

God is good. Cheers.

Too many signs pointing at one direction.

I think I've finally acknowledged "it."

But I'm still in the process of accepting it. If it is indeed true.

This will be a long process; it could take months, even years. But that is life.

***
I am patiently waiting for March (for my scholarship results). If everything goes according to plan, then I'll be spending my summer in Ritsu.

If this is not happening this year, then I shall pursue my internship requirements this summer.
I might also take electives in Sociology.
I also want to join a new organization - something related to social work (I really want to join an org which aims to help children and an org which supports and strengthens womens' rights).

Life is quasi-clear as of today.
***

And yes, I think I might be who I think I am. As of today.
Cheers!

I am so happy for the people of Egypt. I hope that everything works out well for them. They have proven that collective action is still the best and most effective form of active movement.

***
I am still thinking it over (last night's thoughts) -- if I am ready to talk about my "bemusement" with a friend. I am considering this idea. I have this very close gay friend. I know he'll understand me, he's very open-minded. But I don't have to rush into things. If I haven't accepted it myself, then there is no eminent reason for me to share it with others. But then again, I really want to talk about it with others and I want to get their insights.

Decisions.

I'll deal with this by myself, then I shall consult others.

Thank goodness for reliable literature.

I'm doing the things I should be doing. There's nothing to worry about, so why are you so worried? Stop worrying, Fritz. You know there's something wrong when the blog title is too long.

It's back. The confusion is back.

***

I had an accident this morning; boiling water spilled from my water heater. For some reason, my water heater fell over (it was placed near the sink area).

Had first degree (minor) burns on my right leg (upper thigh). Everything happened so fast, I wasn't even able to scream (or something to that effect). I was very quiet, I didn't even panic. I just stared at my red thigh as I poured cool water over its red madness.

Strange world we live in. An hour ago, I was just dreaming in bed; fifteen minutes ago, I was just talking to myself. And moments later, I am pain. And now it's almost four in the morning and I'm here typing this journal entry.

The redness is almost gone; the marks are slowly turning brown. The burning sensation is still there, but I feel too numb to even care.

Strange world.

Good thing, it wasn't that serious. I was able to move quickly away from the water heater. 

I'm fine now. I applied the necessary medication.

I've always been "scared" of kettles and water heaters. You see, I witnessed something when I was really young. I saw someone pour hot boiling water over someone's arm. They weren't just some random strangers; these were people who are actually very close to me -- this context made the entire scene even worse. 

It was a very traumatic experience. It was an egregious holiday.

I just realized it today -- how traumatic that experience was. How could someone do that to another person? 

It was really painful. I cannot even describe how my skin felt that morning.

I am actually surprised by how calm I was that morning. I was almost too calm, too listless towards the pain and to what had just happened.

So this is how she felt. This is how painful it was for her. It was probably more painful for her since her burns weren't caused by an accident like mine, but it was done to her intentionally. 

***

And yes, the confusion is back. Not the one about my course/career/life plan. I think I've already dealt with that one. 

This is the other bafflement I may have already talked about (in a very subtle, almost deceptively cryptic way).

I am once again bemused by my own questions. And this time, I think the answer is too apparent; I can no longer deny it. It must be true.

I looked back at everything; reevaluated and reflected upon recent and not-so-recent self-observations. Did some research.

The Ponder Hours are back.

And yet, I shall try to fight it. It cannot happen. I am not ready for such a vehement change.

I am not eating right. My stomach pains are back. I cannot sleep. I don't know what type of insomnia this is, but I can stay up until six in the morning. Then I'll have trouble waking up. I am becoming a pushover, a workaholic. It's not fun anymore. Acad work used to be fun, but now I'm turning it into a cold, impersonal, bitterly rigorous form of labor. This must change. It should be fun. It was fun. It will be.

This bafflement will only end once I admit it to myself. Once I accept it. I don't think that's going to happen. Not now. Soon, maybe? Maybe not. I am baffled. Cheers.

***
Quick life updates:
* I was able to show two of my short films to my favorite professor. Wow.
* I received positive feedback from some friends (regarding my 2 short films). This made me happy. Really.
* Everything is going well (so far) in my studies. I'm still happy. I think I've finally found my path. I hope I'm right.
* Japan Plan updates: Ritsumeikan University acceptance is final. But JASSO scholarship results will be out in March. *Heavy sigh*
* I want to read the bible more often. This is something I have to work on.
* I want to write again. I miss creative writing. Just writing for myself and not for course requirements.
* I need to meet new people. People I can talk to about my current confusion.

Life is good. God is good. Cheers

NOTE TO SELF (for future re-reading)
This journal entry may seem to be very incoherent. It's 4 AM. I just finished reading several articles, edited videos, pondered over current confusion. I am tired but I wanted to write, so here you go. Cheers. And also, I haven't had coffee for weeks! I think I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms already. (Mom asked me to stop drinking coffee because I've been having stomach aches again [my ulcer might be back]). I talk too much. Bye.

SECOND NOTE TO SELF
If the confusion has been there with you all these years, then that definitely means something. This is a valid argument, yes? There must be some truth to it, maybe a fraction of it is true. Maybe. You keep on dwelling on all these queries, all these bemusements, all these possibilities; then some of them must be true. Are they? Are you? You have to settle this soon. You can't stay confused for too long, you have other things to ponder over. Think about it. Don't just ignore it, it's there. It's happening, it has been happening for years. And you know that. You are not pretending, you're just not recognizing all the angles there are. Tomorrow, you start reevaluating everything. Tomorrow, you analyze, but you don't have to decide yet. You don't have to.

Theoretical Essays

Well, this is a difficult task.

For my paper, I'm planning on writing about the "Culture of Poverty" based on Oscar Lewis' text.

The plan is to relate these ideas to the current state of the Philippine media.

I shall stop typing here and start typing this essay. Bye (for now).

Another e-mail

made me happy today.

Cheers!

Keep them coming. Cheers to good results. God is good.