I'm doing the things I should be doing. There's nothing to worry about, so why are you so worried? Stop worrying, Fritz. You know there's something wrong when the blog title is too long.

It's back. The confusion is back.

***

I had an accident this morning; boiling water spilled from my water heater. For some reason, my water heater fell over (it was placed near the sink area).

Had first degree (minor) burns on my right leg (upper thigh). Everything happened so fast, I wasn't even able to scream (or something to that effect). I was very quiet, I didn't even panic. I just stared at my red thigh as I poured cool water over its red madness.

Strange world we live in. An hour ago, I was just dreaming in bed; fifteen minutes ago, I was just talking to myself. And moments later, I am pain. And now it's almost four in the morning and I'm here typing this journal entry.

The redness is almost gone; the marks are slowly turning brown. The burning sensation is still there, but I feel too numb to even care.

Strange world.

Good thing, it wasn't that serious. I was able to move quickly away from the water heater. 

I'm fine now. I applied the necessary medication.

I've always been "scared" of kettles and water heaters. You see, I witnessed something when I was really young. I saw someone pour hot boiling water over someone's arm. They weren't just some random strangers; these were people who are actually very close to me -- this context made the entire scene even worse. 

It was a very traumatic experience. It was an egregious holiday.

I just realized it today -- how traumatic that experience was. How could someone do that to another person? 

It was really painful. I cannot even describe how my skin felt that morning.

I am actually surprised by how calm I was that morning. I was almost too calm, too listless towards the pain and to what had just happened.

So this is how she felt. This is how painful it was for her. It was probably more painful for her since her burns weren't caused by an accident like mine, but it was done to her intentionally. 

***

And yes, the confusion is back. Not the one about my course/career/life plan. I think I've already dealt with that one. 

This is the other bafflement I may have already talked about (in a very subtle, almost deceptively cryptic way).

I am once again bemused by my own questions. And this time, I think the answer is too apparent; I can no longer deny it. It must be true.

I looked back at everything; reevaluated and reflected upon recent and not-so-recent self-observations. Did some research.

The Ponder Hours are back.

And yet, I shall try to fight it. It cannot happen. I am not ready for such a vehement change.

I am not eating right. My stomach pains are back. I cannot sleep. I don't know what type of insomnia this is, but I can stay up until six in the morning. Then I'll have trouble waking up. I am becoming a pushover, a workaholic. It's not fun anymore. Acad work used to be fun, but now I'm turning it into a cold, impersonal, bitterly rigorous form of labor. This must change. It should be fun. It was fun. It will be.

This bafflement will only end once I admit it to myself. Once I accept it. I don't think that's going to happen. Not now. Soon, maybe? Maybe not. I am baffled. Cheers.

***
Quick life updates:
* I was able to show two of my short films to my favorite professor. Wow.
* I received positive feedback from some friends (regarding my 2 short films). This made me happy. Really.
* Everything is going well (so far) in my studies. I'm still happy. I think I've finally found my path. I hope I'm right.
* Japan Plan updates: Ritsumeikan University acceptance is final. But JASSO scholarship results will be out in March. *Heavy sigh*
* I want to read the bible more often. This is something I have to work on.
* I want to write again. I miss creative writing. Just writing for myself and not for course requirements.
* I need to meet new people. People I can talk to about my current confusion.

Life is good. God is good. Cheers

NOTE TO SELF (for future re-reading)
This journal entry may seem to be very incoherent. It's 4 AM. I just finished reading several articles, edited videos, pondered over current confusion. I am tired but I wanted to write, so here you go. Cheers. And also, I haven't had coffee for weeks! I think I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms already. (Mom asked me to stop drinking coffee because I've been having stomach aches again [my ulcer might be back]). I talk too much. Bye.

SECOND NOTE TO SELF
If the confusion has been there with you all these years, then that definitely means something. This is a valid argument, yes? There must be some truth to it, maybe a fraction of it is true. Maybe. You keep on dwelling on all these queries, all these bemusements, all these possibilities; then some of them must be true. Are they? Are you? You have to settle this soon. You can't stay confused for too long, you have other things to ponder over. Think about it. Don't just ignore it, it's there. It's happening, it has been happening for years. And you know that. You are not pretending, you're just not recognizing all the angles there are. Tomorrow, you start reevaluating everything. Tomorrow, you analyze, but you don't have to decide yet. You don't have to.