Hi, I'm leaving for Japan on Friday. It's finally happening.

I've been dreaming about this for many years now.

Last year, I finally applied for a scholarship (exchange student program) to Japan. The application process (and the agony of waiting for results) lasted for around a year. And on Friday, I'm finally leaving for Kyoto, Japan.

I'll write everything in detail next time. I still have to finish my final requirement this sem (CW100) : )

I'm keeping a new blog to document all my experiences in Japan. Here it is:
http://fritzishere.blogspot.com

But I won't delete this blog. I'll use this again in February 2012.

I'll be studying in Ritsumeikan University for 2 semesters (April 2011-February 2012). My course will be International Relations.

I am both excited and nervous.

Thanks to all my friends who supported me. Cheers!

God is good : )

Insomnia.

I think we're back together. You and I.

I can't sleep.

It must be insomnia.

I miss reading books (for fun).

Today I drank "Cobra" for the first time.

Oh.

I shall update this blog SOON.

There's so much to tell.

Happy.

Pangarap sa buhay #1.

: )

Nomination.

I received another e-mail today.

And I shall expect another one within the coming days.

I am both happy and nervous.

One final stretch before I face two possible realities.

I am hoping for the best. Cheers!

God is good.

February

This lack of sleep
for the whole month of February,
or for the whole stretch of 2011,
or for the whole state of my restless 18th,
or for this whole chain of yawns and stares and spoons and sheets
that is life,
has finally settled
in its
own
niche
in
my
own
dark pair
of
unhealthy
bags.

Quite relevant

 Today's poetry class is very interesting.

***

You Who Never Arrived 

by Rainer Maria Rilke

You who never arrived

in my arms, Beloved, who were lost

from the start,

I don't even know what songs

would please you. I have given up trying

to recognize you in the surging wave of the next

moment. All the immense

images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,

cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected

turns in the path,

and those powerful lands that were once

pulsing with the life of the gods-

all rise within me to mean

you, who forever elude me.You, Beloved, who are all

the gardens I have ever gazed at,

longing. An open window

in a country house--, and you almost

stepped out, pensive, to meet me.Streets that I chanced upon,--

you had just walked down them and vanished.

And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors

were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,

gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?

perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us

yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

Okay, this is difficult. But it shouldn't be. Cheers.

I have decided that for a moment, yes, it is true. I was.

But this will have to stop. This is not how I should live my life. This is not how I am supposed to be.

Starting today, more effort shall be given into trying to resolve this.

God is good. Cheers.

Too many signs pointing at one direction.

I think I've finally acknowledged "it."

But I'm still in the process of accepting it. If it is indeed true.

This will be a long process; it could take months, even years. But that is life.

***
I am patiently waiting for March (for my scholarship results). If everything goes according to plan, then I'll be spending my summer in Ritsu.

If this is not happening this year, then I shall pursue my internship requirements this summer.
I might also take electives in Sociology.
I also want to join a new organization - something related to social work (I really want to join an org which aims to help children and an org which supports and strengthens womens' rights).

Life is quasi-clear as of today.
***

And yes, I think I might be who I think I am. As of today.
Cheers!

I am so happy for the people of Egypt. I hope that everything works out well for them. They have proven that collective action is still the best and most effective form of active movement.

***
I am still thinking it over (last night's thoughts) -- if I am ready to talk about my "bemusement" with a friend. I am considering this idea. I have this very close gay friend. I know he'll understand me, he's very open-minded. But I don't have to rush into things. If I haven't accepted it myself, then there is no eminent reason for me to share it with others. But then again, I really want to talk about it with others and I want to get their insights.

Decisions.

I'll deal with this by myself, then I shall consult others.

Thank goodness for reliable literature.

I'm doing the things I should be doing. There's nothing to worry about, so why are you so worried? Stop worrying, Fritz. You know there's something wrong when the blog title is too long.

It's back. The confusion is back.

***

I had an accident this morning; boiling water spilled from my water heater. For some reason, my water heater fell over (it was placed near the sink area).

Had first degree (minor) burns on my right leg (upper thigh). Everything happened so fast, I wasn't even able to scream (or something to that effect). I was very quiet, I didn't even panic. I just stared at my red thigh as I poured cool water over its red madness.

Strange world we live in. An hour ago, I was just dreaming in bed; fifteen minutes ago, I was just talking to myself. And moments later, I am pain. And now it's almost four in the morning and I'm here typing this journal entry.

The redness is almost gone; the marks are slowly turning brown. The burning sensation is still there, but I feel too numb to even care.

Strange world.

Good thing, it wasn't that serious. I was able to move quickly away from the water heater. 

I'm fine now. I applied the necessary medication.

I've always been "scared" of kettles and water heaters. You see, I witnessed something when I was really young. I saw someone pour hot boiling water over someone's arm. They weren't just some random strangers; these were people who are actually very close to me -- this context made the entire scene even worse. 

It was a very traumatic experience. It was an egregious holiday.

I just realized it today -- how traumatic that experience was. How could someone do that to another person? 

It was really painful. I cannot even describe how my skin felt that morning.

I am actually surprised by how calm I was that morning. I was almost too calm, too listless towards the pain and to what had just happened.

So this is how she felt. This is how painful it was for her. It was probably more painful for her since her burns weren't caused by an accident like mine, but it was done to her intentionally. 

***

And yes, the confusion is back. Not the one about my course/career/life plan. I think I've already dealt with that one. 

This is the other bafflement I may have already talked about (in a very subtle, almost deceptively cryptic way).

I am once again bemused by my own questions. And this time, I think the answer is too apparent; I can no longer deny it. It must be true.

I looked back at everything; reevaluated and reflected upon recent and not-so-recent self-observations. Did some research.

The Ponder Hours are back.

And yet, I shall try to fight it. It cannot happen. I am not ready for such a vehement change.

I am not eating right. My stomach pains are back. I cannot sleep. I don't know what type of insomnia this is, but I can stay up until six in the morning. Then I'll have trouble waking up. I am becoming a pushover, a workaholic. It's not fun anymore. Acad work used to be fun, but now I'm turning it into a cold, impersonal, bitterly rigorous form of labor. This must change. It should be fun. It was fun. It will be.

This bafflement will only end once I admit it to myself. Once I accept it. I don't think that's going to happen. Not now. Soon, maybe? Maybe not. I am baffled. Cheers.

***
Quick life updates:
* I was able to show two of my short films to my favorite professor. Wow.
* I received positive feedback from some friends (regarding my 2 short films). This made me happy. Really.
* Everything is going well (so far) in my studies. I'm still happy. I think I've finally found my path. I hope I'm right.
* Japan Plan updates: Ritsumeikan University acceptance is final. But JASSO scholarship results will be out in March. *Heavy sigh*
* I want to read the bible more often. This is something I have to work on.
* I want to write again. I miss creative writing. Just writing for myself and not for course requirements.
* I need to meet new people. People I can talk to about my current confusion.

Life is good. God is good. Cheers

NOTE TO SELF (for future re-reading)
This journal entry may seem to be very incoherent. It's 4 AM. I just finished reading several articles, edited videos, pondered over current confusion. I am tired but I wanted to write, so here you go. Cheers. And also, I haven't had coffee for weeks! I think I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms already. (Mom asked me to stop drinking coffee because I've been having stomach aches again [my ulcer might be back]). I talk too much. Bye.

SECOND NOTE TO SELF
If the confusion has been there with you all these years, then that definitely means something. This is a valid argument, yes? There must be some truth to it, maybe a fraction of it is true. Maybe. You keep on dwelling on all these queries, all these bemusements, all these possibilities; then some of them must be true. Are they? Are you? You have to settle this soon. You can't stay confused for too long, you have other things to ponder over. Think about it. Don't just ignore it, it's there. It's happening, it has been happening for years. And you know that. You are not pretending, you're just not recognizing all the angles there are. Tomorrow, you start reevaluating everything. Tomorrow, you analyze, but you don't have to decide yet. You don't have to.

Theoretical Essays

Well, this is a difficult task.

For my paper, I'm planning on writing about the "Culture of Poverty" based on Oscar Lewis' text.

The plan is to relate these ideas to the current state of the Philippine media.

I shall stop typing here and start typing this essay. Bye (for now).

Another e-mail

made me happy today.

Cheers!

Keep them coming. Cheers to good results. God is good.

It's too dark in the kitchen, how can I get my coffee?

I didn't go home this weekend. I usually go home every weekend. This feels quasi-strange.

Apparently, the landlady wants a very dark kitchen. I can't get my coffee from the fridge, it's too dark. I don't want to walk into a dark kitchen; this looks like a scene from some cheesy 80s slasher film. I digress. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Here's a nervous hihi just to make things happy again: hihi hihi.

The light switch is far from the door (it's on the other side of the kitchen). Yes, we have a dilemma here. Oh.

But my mom said that I should stop drinking coffee.

Mom wins.

Bye. I'm still doing my 160 paper. This is fun. Seriously, it is.

My eyebags are very happy. Here are some of the things that will make them even more excited/fat:
* BroadJourn Midterms - please, please, please let me survive this.
* 160 & 197 - enough said.
* self-realizations c/o certain elective
* conceptualization for my short story : )
* I shall make an announcement this February. Yes. Throw in the S; there might be more than one. God is good.

Cheers! : )

I have to wake up earlier. I really have to.

I attended this year's UP Job Fair, in search of a good internship.

I submitted my resume to:
* TV 5
* ABS-CBN

I know that I have I said a lot of things about the mainstream "glossy" media, but let's try to do something about this. I'll write more about these plans.

I'm still planning on applying for:
* Probe
* an NGO (dealing with media and social work)
* GMA

Most of the companies in the job fair were looking for business/engineering students. I can feel it already. This calls for an ice cream break. Cheers.

Someone sent me an e-mail today

and it made me very happy.

God is good.

Just one more round. Let's make this happen. Help me God.

Cheers!

Tonight

I spent around two hours making my "internship plan."

Cheers.

Life.

Typing impetuously after two cups of coffee.

Today is a relatively good day. Compared to other days, this one is actually quite good.

This afternoon, I studied for my Japanese exam (2^nd exam on Tuesday). This was the happiest two hours of my Saturday.

I won't talk about my undying anticipation for the scholarship results; I am tired of feeding myself with unnecessary doses of anxiety. I'll leave it all to God. I know that He has plans for me. I'll wait for February patiently, very patiently.

I also studied for my exam in 140. If this were 160, it would have been less tedious. Oh well. In between studying and stints of coffee breaks, snacks, and internet breaks, I was able to ponder upon my current slice of anxious pie -- plans for INTERNSHIP.

I have developed mixed feelings about this soon-to-be-new-experience-which-will-move-me-one-step-closer-to-becoming-a-real-somebody-in-these-messy-webs-of-lives-and-tales-in-a-little-oblate-spheroid-we-call-earth.

Heavy sigh. I shall not have my 3rd cup of coffee. Not yet.

So far, my choices are:

* PROBE, ANC's Storyline, an NGO which deals with social work as well as media work. (I still have to consult my favorite professor about this one.)

This is not yet final. I still have to do some research.

This summer, it's either I face my Kyoto dreams or my internship dreams. Or maybe something else. I am floating on innumerable layers of frisson; technically, I’ve been floating on this foamy (and nervous) substance for years now, but this time, it’s extra foamy. Pardon my metaphors. I really hope that a meaningful summer awaits me.

And just a while ago, some quasi-disturbing thoughts merrily walked into my oh-so-busy-life. Here they are:

* What if I become a kindergarten teacher? 

- This idea surprised me. And I don't even get surprised that easily. I am a frozen stoic igloo. And this new life option melted my igloo. Oh, sweet bouncy jelly beans! This is a very interesting "life option." I shall dream about it later. Or not. Or maybe I will.

* What if I make that big swerve after college and immerse myself into a different field. Perhaps, Sociology? Graduate school right after graduation? But how will I support myself? I also need to work. But what kind of work? Conundrums, conundrums.

- Very interesting.

* What if I write children’s books?

- Yes, please. This little corner needs some exploration!

Hot steaming unicorns! I just realized something after typing the above sentences. This “writing for children” endeavor is quite close to the “what if I become a kindergarten teacher” query! Oh no! I don’t even like kids that much. Or do I? Writing has always been my healthy (and happy) drug, but is my drug suitable for children? I shall stop using drugs and children in one sentence. Metaphors intended.

This is a strange night. Strange.

* What if I invite some college friends to start a media project with me? We’ll make documentaries and short films and we’ll live the lives we’ve always wanted, devoured by our idyllic dreams of equality, freedom, creativity, and altruism! Cheers to roseate plates of optimism! We’ll get drunk on liters of undying dreams!

- Yup, this is a strange night indeed.

- If money did not exist, we’d be skipping on happy ropes. And if only idealistic phantasms fed not only the mind, but also the rest of the needy terrains of what it means to be human, we’d be skipping on happy ropes forever.

We can’t have all the happy ropes in the world. We can’t skip forever. Sometimes we trip, we fall. We find blisters on our knees, we lose our keys, we accidentally punch someone in the face, we cry. But sometimes, a good dose of optimism can still stop you from harassing that old dusty stress ball of yours whenever you lose your left slipper at two in the morning when you badly need to go to the bathroom, so you turn on the light, crawl under your bed in search of your missing slipper and by the time you find it, it’s already six in the morning. Well, that was a horrible way of wasting four hours. But hey, at least you found your slipper. And now you can go back to your life, with both slippers under your feet. Cheers!

WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I AM SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR. HELLO, DONALD DUCK! WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?  

* What if I just stop typing this blog entry and go back to my 140 lectures? Okay.

- Done.

Wait. In other news. I have finally resolved my confusion! It feels strange. What used to be an icon of euphoric fantasies is now nothing but an insipid image furtively hanging on the wall. Irrelevant. This matter has become irrelevant. Wow. The immersion therapy actually worked. Cheers!

Back to 140.

When my CW class met my Psych class.

A writing exercise I did for my creative writing class (fiction).
These two paragraphs were inspired by this photo I took last Thursday.

It happened every Thursday, from one  until four in the afternoon, on the second floor of a quasi-abandoned college building. This was one semester ago, but the heat of that October sun has not yet died, not even today. Inside our classroom, I wore a cardigan, while others wore hoodies or sweaters. We all froze as we listened to lifeless lectures. The artificial coldness inside our classroom was in contrast to the scorching October air beyond our classroom’s only connection to reality – a big green-framed window.  I often sat next to this window because it gave me a perfect view.

They were always near each other, but not too near. Just near enough to smell each other’s scent and feel each other’s breath. They have mastered the art of eye aversion; their eyes never met although each pair was always locked on each other’s faces. Their eyes were moving nervously, shifting from shoulder to cheek, nose to fingers, lips to curls. They took turns in glancing at each other; both pretending to be looking at something else when in fact, they are looking at each other. Her fingers caressed the edge of her seat as her feet traced the broken lines on the floor. She cannot keep it all to herself forever; her flesh won’t be scratching wood and tiles forever. She finally took her chance, acting brave and dull at the same time, she pushed her hand against her seatmate’s lap. At this point, both girls smiled, while I blushed from one seat behind.

Let's sing the ABC song for the month of January!

A-nxious apricots.
B-usy bee.
C-ranky crows.
D-ubious deeds.
E-xcited Egos
F-rantic flipflops
G-ooey games
H-ungry Hippopotamus
I-dyllic ink
J-aunty juggernauts
K-inky kids
L-onely lamps
M-uddy moods
N-erdy nights
O-bvious oops
P-rying pangs
Q-ueer queries
R-ambanctious reasons
S-ly shoestrings
T-widdled temptations
U-ncanny universe
V-iscious vacuums
W-hishful whims
X-erox
Y-awning youth
Z-any zebras

Cheers!
Daming nasayang na oras ngayong araw: late nagising, nagsulat-sulat, nag-reflect-reflect.
Back to work.

Now that I have resolved this bafflement, I feel listless towards other bafflements. Must find a solution for being unconfused.

Good afternoon, blog. Have you seen your pencils yet? Not yet? We'll keep searching.
For the meantime, let me tell you about my experiment.

You see, I have this bafflement. I've been pondering over this confusion for quite a long time. So just recently, I decided to conduct an experiment that would help me confirm or reject any observations I may have or may have not misconstrued. Pardon the vagueness.

Case #1:
I read a fiction novel that is closely related to my bemusement.
Results & Reaction: I was not completely comfortable with the notions brought to life in the book.
Possible Implication: I am not who I thought I was. (Oh yes, keep the cheese coming)

Case #2:
I read a nonfiction book about it. It was a well-conducted research regarding my subject of bemusement.
Results & Reaction: The possibility is always there, but as of now, it's not.
Possible Implication: Repeat possible implication #1.

Case #3:
I watched films that would, in some way, test the veracity of my hypotheses.
Results & Reaction: I was not completely comfortable (nor amused) with the nature of the notions brought to life in these films.
Possible Implication: It is safe to say that my previous hypotheses are all false.

Case #4:
I stepped out of my laboratory (geeky room) and conducted a social experiment in campus, which happened by chance (unplanned yet it yielded interesting results).
Results & Reaction: Expected reaction should have been - shock, frisson, elation. Real reaction: flat, indifferent, empty.
Possible Implication: We could conclude, for the meantime, that previous self-imposed theories were false. They were merely quick and misguided assumptions. Thus, you are free to walk away from this messy rigmarole. Live with a smile. You are freed from this experiment.

Cheers.

Welcome to the NHK

This series is too good.
The music is too good.
The character development is too good.
The story is too good.

Everything is too real.

This doesn't feel comfortable. No, it doesn't.

Internship.

This summer, if my plan fails, I shall do my internship.

News and Public Affairs, Social work and media work with an NGO, a fantasy where I can live my euphoric phantasms involving creative writing, experimental film making, teaching, and communicating in some abstruse yet whimsical manner.
- so far, these are my internship/life plans.

But I am still praying that my PLAN will succeed.

Pangarap sa buhay #1, magkikita rin tayo. Sana. : )

when you begin to ask yourself questions you cannot answer.

Today I watched the clouds move.

I watched my favorite cloud leave as new clouds came.

I leaned against my favorite window as I did last semester.

While voices swarmed around this familiar room and as my thoughts wandered, my eyes were fixed on the clouds. I can feel myself drifting further away from the present. I feel myself floating, moving aimlessly towards something relatively unknown.

Today I watched the clouds move. It was two in the afternoon and I watched the clouds move.

I have so many questions right now, it feels strange not to feel worried.

Today I watched the clouds move. This unruffled state lasted until this afternoon. Today I watched the clouds move.